Writer/ Contributor
Wallster Magnus
AKA the ancient one, was there to see the first children of man emerge blinking and fearful, out from the dark forests and into the light of the world. Through countless aeons, he nurtured them, guiding their faltering steps from wood and stone, through bronze, iron and steel towards his ultimate vision of a world built entirely on rock and metal.
But man was wily, and some chose to follow evil ways. Thus did the Earth become polluted with the filth and detritus of disco, electro-pop, hippety hoppity things, New Romantics, Ed Sheeran and thereby did they spawn the greatest anti-metal blasphemy of all… Greta Van Zeppelin.
But the Magnus was not to be thwarted so easily. Verily did he bring forth great warriors, the Saxon, Maidens of Iron, Priests of Judas, Tygers of Pan Tang, Scorpions, Rock Goddesses and a host of other fearsome Men o’ War.
Great and legendary battles ensued until ultimately, Magnus and his metal cohorts were tricked by soft ballads, poodle perms, and to his eternal shame, Bon Jovi and were thus banished from the lands by the powerful and unholy trinity of Stock, Aitken and Waterman.
Beaten but not destroyed, Magnus retreated to the underworld to gather his forces unto him. He forged new and greater weapons until it was time once more to burst forth with a powerful New Wave of Traditional Heavy Metal.
So now the world is bathed once more in the stage lights of a thousand great metal bands, ready to take back their rightful place at the pinnacle of musical excellence. The scream of wailing guitars, the thunder of thudding bass, tumultuous earth shaking drums, flailing hair and flying V’s are forever to be found driving back the tides of pap pop and bringing the ultimate in light and joy to the children of man.
This is Wallster Magnus’ gift to you.
Worship him.
THE NWOTHM 